The All-NBA Ugly Team

I must admit, I've thought about who would make my All-NBA Ugly squad many a time. I've seen some guys either on TV or in person at arenas and thought (after shrieking in horror) that player X would be a perfect fit on the team.

Now that we have our own forum here, I present to you, the Ugliest Starting Five in the NBA, and a bench and coach and all that jazz. And of course, I welcome (read: would love to read) any suggestions or comments on the list (or yours).

PG - Sam Cassell

In my research, not one person, not one list didn't have Sam "Gollum" Cassell in the rotation.  Barely is he still eligible to be on the team, as I was only looking for current players.  However, he still is under contract, so, he can play on this team.  

Cassell has been and always will be one of the more goblin-esque characters the league has ever had.  With that shaved head and those buggy eyes, I wouldn't be surprised to find out he was actually from another planet.

SG - Delonte West

Here he is, back in his (or, the league's, for that matter) Sonic days, trying to guard another member of the ugly team (reserve guard Mike Miller).  Where to begin with Delonte...First, there's that sore on his (you know the thought of Herpes has crossed your mind, admit it), but whatever it is, it certainly is unbecoming.  Then, there's the fact that with orange-ish hair, he looks like the impish brother of an already strange looking leprechaun.  Throw in that he's tried a completely shaved head, a mini-fro, and now corn rows (each of which revolting in it's own way) and you have yourself an over-tattooed mess.

SF - Tayshaun Prince

  

If I had to describe Prince's looks, I'd say he's half freckles, half horse.  There's something about that long face of his that makes me think, horse.  Maybe donkey, but he just has a face that says equine, to me at least.  

PF - Fabricio Oberto

With a name like Fabricio, you'd think he'd have long, flowing hair and be a beautiful, strapping man.  Think again.  The NBA should consider making face masks permanent if Argentina sends over any more players like him or Luis Scola (right).

C - Joakim Noah

Not only is Noah just an ugly version of Spanish from Coach Carter, but his fashion sense is down right offensive as well.  You had to sense trouble when the first time you see him as a member of the NBA, he shows up in a bow tie and seersucker suit to the NBA draft, hair frizzed out looking like Sideshow Bob.  Or, how about the attire he had on when the Bulls recently went to meet President Obama?  With a burnt orange (possibly felt) suit and glasses that made him look the Charlotte Hornet, Noah stuck out a little bit.  Thank god Brad Miller doesn't know how to dress himself either.

Bench...

Jarret Jack, because his forehead is really a five or sixhead.

Marquis Daniels, because he's a mustachioed, dreaded alien and there's just something awkward looking about him.

 Jarred Jeffries, because even though I can't put my finger exactly on it, something (proportion-wise) is off on him.  Maybe it's his contract-ability ratio...

Josh Boone, because he looks like Medusa, who was so ugly she'd turn people into stone if they looked at her.  Now it all is starting to make sense why people aren't going to Nets games anymore...

And, from above, Mike Miller, who, with long hair, is a freaky dude.  No doubt about that.

 
Head Coach

 

I hate to do this to you, Pop, but, somethings are just meant to be.  You maybe one of the league's best coaches, but your also, sadly, one of it's ugliest.

Honorable Mention (D-Leaguers)

Now, let's be clear on one thing.  With or without hair, Charlie V's an ugly dude.  However, I had moral issues with putting a guy with alopecia actually on the team.  So, honorable mention it is.

DJ Mbenga, or as his friends call him, Sloth, is also so extremely ugly but so extremely bad that I couldn't in good faith keep him on the team, knowing he'd still not play well, despite his hideousness.

 Adam Morrison may have shaved his head, but he still has the ugly porn-stache.  He's another one that couldn't make the team because we're also trying to win some games.

And finally,  the man once known as the Landlord...Shelden Williams, The Original Geico Caveman.

You've got to have your own thoughts on this.  Come, come now.  Out with it.