I Feel Bad For Neil Funk

If you don't know who Neil Funk is, you should feel bad for him.  

It's not because he has a bad job.  He's the TV voice of the Chicago Bulls.  

It's not because he doesn't make money.  He's been in the NBA for years, and while I don't know the exact figures of his deal, one can assume he's not strapped for cash.

It's because he's likely contractually obligated to voice these ridiculous new radio ads for the Bulls.  I don't know why else he would agree to do it.

Have you heard them?  If you have heard at least one, I guarantee you know what I'm talking about.  I suppose that's what the Bulls are going for--an ad that has recall value.  In that, I suppose, they succeeded.

But they are so lame.

Here's the basic premise.  In each ad, Funk is calling a fictitious game between the Bulls and various casts of characters that could never actually be playing the Bulls.  In one ad, the Bulls are facing famous Communist leaders.  Luol Deng drives past the "red uniformed Commies" which Funk describes, and Ben Gordon scores over Genghis Khan.  

In another, the Bulls are facing Halloween monsters.  Deng slices through the lane only to be met by the Grim Reaper.  Funk comments on how amazing it is that he could drive through him despite the fact that the Reaper used his sickle on defense.

Here's the one I just heard on the radio:

"Satan...slices through the lane...stolen by Rose!  He'll take it the other way and jam it home!  Rose stole the ball from Satan.  And now a technical foul on Satan!  He's hot!  Boy, he's hot!"

Groan.

At the end of the commercials, the voiceover guy comes on to say, "Hey, think that was unbelievable?  You should see it in person".  The rest of the commercial is filled with Bulls promotional announcements and the phone number to purchase season tickets.

I understand that in advertising, sometimes the crazier it gets, the more effective it is.  The commercials obviously worked on me, since I am writing about them and can basically recite them.

But honestly, the Bulls against Communist leaders?  If that really was the product, I would go!  I'd be the first to buy a ninety dollar ticket to see Derrick Rose d-up Mao Zedong.  I'd be fascinated to watch Drew Gooden post up the Grim Reaper.  I'd pay two-hundred if Rose really could steal the ball from Satan.

I'm not paying that same ninety to watch Larry Hughes miss jumpers over Quentin Richardson and the Knicks, by comparison.

Derrick Rose is exciting, and he's from Chicago.  Why not just create a set of ads saying, "Come out and watch Chicago's own Derrick Rose when the Bulls take on Charlotte at the United Center Tuesday night"?  Wouldn't that work?

If anything, the Bulls are saying their product, NBA Basketball, isn't interesting enough, so they need to market it using fictitious opponents.  If they just told me Kobe and the Lakers were coming to town to face Rose and the Bulls, I'd come out and watch.  Enough of this embarrassing ad campaign that makes a mockery of Bulls basketball.  It's not funny, it's just dumb.

When ESPN 1000's Waddle and Silvy asked Funk about the new ad campaign he's voiced, he avoided the question to avoid the embarrassment.  He didn't want to discuss the campaign he's behind because he knows Chicagoans are muting their radios for thirty seconds on a regular basis.  

So if you see Neil Funk anywhere, give him a pat on the back.