The All-NBA Ugly Team

I must admit, I've thought about who would make my All-NBA Ugly squad many a time. I've seen some guys either on TV or in person at arenas and thought (after shrieking in horror) that player X would be a perfect fit on the team.

Now that we have our own forum here, I present to you, the Ugliest Starting Five in the NBA, and a bench and coach and all that jazz. And of course, I welcome (read: would love to read) any suggestions or comments on the list (or yours).

PG - Sam Cassell

In my research, not one person, not one list didn't have Sam "Gollum" Cassell in the rotation.  Barely is he still eligible to be on the team, as I was only looking for current players.  However, he still is under contract, so, he can play on this team.  

Cassell has been and always will be one of the more goblin-esque characters the league has ever had.  With that shaved head and those buggy eyes, I wouldn't be surprised to find out he was actually from another planet.

SG - Delonte West

Here he is, back in his (or, the league's, for that matter) Sonic days, trying to guard another member of the ugly team (reserve guard Mike Miller).  Where to begin with Delonte...First, there's that sore on his (you know the thought of Herpes has crossed your mind, admit it), but whatever it is, it certainly is unbecoming.  Then, there's the fact that with orange-ish hair, he looks like the impish brother of an already strange looking leprechaun.  Throw in that he's tried a completely shaved head, a mini-fro, and now corn rows (each of which revolting in it's own way) and you have yourself an over-tattooed mess.

SF - Tayshaun Prince

  

If I had to describe Prince's looks, I'd say he's half freckles, half horse.  There's something about that long face of his that makes me think, horse.  Maybe donkey, but he just has a face that says equine, to me at least.  

PF - Fabricio Oberto

With a name like Fabricio, you'd think he'd have long, flowing hair and be a beautiful, strapping man.  Think again.  The NBA should consider making face masks permanent if Argentina sends over any more players like him or Luis Scola (right).

C - Joakim Noah

Not only is Noah just an ugly version of Spanish from Coach Carter, but his fashion sense is down right offensive as well.  You had to sense trouble when the first time you see him as a member of the NBA, he shows up in a bow tie and seersucker suit to the NBA draft, hair frizzed out looking like Sideshow Bob.  Or, how about the attire he had on when the Bulls recently went to meet President Obama?  With a burnt orange (possibly felt) suit and glasses that made him look the Charlotte Hornet, Noah stuck out a little bit.  Thank god Brad Miller doesn't know how to dress himself either.

Bench...

Jarret Jack, because his forehead is really a five or sixhead.

Marquis Daniels, because he's a mustachioed, dreaded alien and there's just something awkward looking about him.

 Jarred Jeffries, because even though I can't put my finger exactly on it, something (proportion-wise) is off on him.  Maybe it's his contract-ability ratio...

Josh Boone, because he looks like Medusa, who was so ugly she'd turn people into stone if they looked at her.  Now it all is starting to make sense why people aren't going to Nets games anymore...

And, from above, Mike Miller, who, with long hair, is a freaky dude.  No doubt about that.

 
Head Coach

 

I hate to do this to you, Pop, but, somethings are just meant to be.  You maybe one of the league's best coaches, but your also, sadly, one of it's ugliest.

Honorable Mention (D-Leaguers)

Now, let's be clear on one thing.  With or without hair, Charlie V's an ugly dude.  However, I had moral issues with putting a guy with alopecia actually on the team.  So, honorable mention it is.

DJ Mbenga, or as his friends call him, Sloth, is also so extremely ugly but so extremely bad that I couldn't in good faith keep him on the team, knowing he'd still not play well, despite his hideousness.

 Adam Morrison may have shaved his head, but he still has the ugly porn-stache.  He's another one that couldn't make the team because we're also trying to win some games.

And finally,  the man once known as the Landlord...Shelden Williams, The Original Geico Caveman.

You've got to have your own thoughts on this.  Come, come now.  Out with it.

Because Joakim Noah Is Funny Looking...

The Chicago Bulls visited with President Obama yesterday.  Here's visual proof...

This picture begs only a few questions.

1)What in the hell is Brad Miller wearing?

2)Did Joakim Noah think Richard Nixon was still in office?

3)How did Anthony Roberson get the spot right next to Barack?

4)Why didn't Jerome James get an invite?

Can It Get Any Worse?

I don't have to tell you the Chicago Bulls aren't very good.  Let their nine point home loss to the 6-32 Oklahoma City Thunder Saturday night tell you all you need to know about this team.

At 16-21, the Bulls are in 4th place in the Eastern Conference's Central Division entering tonight's game against Portland.  Amazingly, because the East is so top heavy, despite their poor record and consistently poor performance the Bulls are just a game behind Milwaukee for the eighth spot in the East.

Yet, there would be nothing worse than this team of misfits playing a first round playoff series against Cleveland, Orlando or Boston to just be blasted in four games.

The Bulls are in the NBA's proverbial "no man's land".  They're on the verge of being a playoff team (but really, what does that mean in the NBA) and yet they're also on the verge of being one of the worst teams in basketball.  (In fact, you could argue right now that they are.)  Other than Derrick Rose, there is not a promising player on this team.  Ben Gordon scores, but he's too short, plays too little defense, and is too one-dimensional to be considered a guy to build around.  Luol Deng has been injured, but when he's not been injured he's been bad.  Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah are both brutal draft picks by GM John Paxson who have shown little promise or basketball skills.

It's a complete mess.

That's why I've decided, until changes are made, I'm done watching this team.  There's no point.

I'm a Bulls fan.  Full Disclosure.  But there's no point watching a team that has no potential to go anywhere but down.  They have no chance of competing for a title now, or really ever with this roster of players, and until they blow this thing up, they'll never compete for anything more than a ticket to lose in the first round.

John Paxson should be fired.  Larry Hughes wants to be traded, and should be shown the door.  If anyone would take Tyrus Thomas or Joakim Noah, send them on the first flight to the city of their choice.  Find a big man that can actually help Drew Gooden underneath.  And find some players that will actually take first year head coach Vinny Del Negro seriously. (And that'll be hard too, since the organization doesn't even take him seriously considering they hired Bernie Bickerstaff and Del Harris to be Vinny's babysitters.)

The Bulls are in the worst spot imaginable in sports.  They're bad, but not bad enough.  They have a bunch of cast off players that aren't desirable to any other teams.  Rebuilding this thing won't take a season, but instead another long rebuilding effort that Bulls fans can no longer tolerate.  At some point, the championship DVDs get old, and people want to start seeing a team that can actually compete.  Or, at least one that can entertain.

So I'm done.  I'm not watching this.  As much as I'm a fan, there's no point in wasting my evenings.  I'm not coming back until the Bulls show me and the rest of their frustrated fan base that they seriously want to compete.  And if you're a Bulls fan, you shouldn't either.